Monday, June 30, 2003

From the inbox

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him :
- You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea what some people will do to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are ?
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks :
- Could I have a blackboard and some chalk ?
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
-You really ARE Einstein ! he says. Welcome to heaven !

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks :
- Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk ?
Saint Peter says :
- Go ahead.
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps.
- Surely you are the great artist you claim to be ! he says. Come on in !

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says :
- Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours ?
George W. looks bewildered and says :
- Who are Einstein and Picasso ?
Saint Peter sighs and says
- Come on in, George.

Thanks to Marie-Thérèse.
Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 30, 2003 | link

Previously on...

Back in April I wittered on about the schedulers at Channel 4 moving the slot for my beloved NYPD Blue.

Having gotten over the death of Bobby, the arrival and now departure of Danny Sorenson, the departure of Arthur Fancy (helped by the arrival of the seriously cool Lieutenant Rodriguez) I'm fretting because Channel 4 have not announced any new series of "the finest police series EVER".

So here's a plea - would you all mozey on over to the Channel 4 discussion board and add a vote for another series of NYPD Blue? And could you maybe mention it on your blogs too?

Need persuading? Well our spies over at abc news reveal that Sipowicz and McDowell (Connie) will be getting together. Yep.

So pleeeeeeeeeeze, could you add a little vote?
Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 30, 2003 | link

I'm switching!

Pat over at a blog's life has been shizzolated by da one an' only Snoop Dogg. Know what I'm sayin'?

So I bin and had me a sly ol' shizzle too and I likes da results.

So English has-been Paul Daniels (former tv magician 'n user of naff catchphrases) thinks that everyone should speak one language n' shit. Like English."

"Fe ddylai pawb siarad izzle iaith, fel Saesneg, yn hytrach na cheisio cynnal ieithoedd a diwylliannau bach n' shit. "

"Everyone should speak one language, like English, rather than trying sustain minority languages 'n cultures." "

I could insult MistaDaniels in a number of languages." But I'll settle fo' this, know what I'm sayin'?

Yo' ass silly little mutha, know what I'm sayin'?

Now you muthas all know that I is gonna be shizzolating y'all?
Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 30, 2003 | link

Tip o' the day

This comes to you second-hand since I have neither children nor a dishwasher but I have it on very good authority that the best place to sterilise little Jimmy's toys is in the dishwasher.
Apparently it's a good idea to do it after they've been sick to get rid of those pesky germs.
Makes perfect sense, eh?
Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 30, 2003 | link


To: Dept. of Homeland Security

Dear Sirs:

I am writing to you for further instructions to what the next step is for me to take in protecting my family from possible attacks by terrorists. I have my duck taped, now what?

A huge thankyou to Corryn for this.
Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 30, 2003 | link
Sunday, June 29, 2003

He ain't heavy

A man with no criminal record spent 10 months in a German prison instead of his convicted brother before anyone noticed.

After his 35-year-old brother Rudolf was sentenced to two years on a procuring and prostitution conviction, Norbert, 37, suggested swapping places, reports Hamburger Abendblatt.

The paper, which gave no last name for the pair, says they spawned the plan during a final night on the town in Hamburg on the eve of Norbert's admission to jail.

"We got completely sloshed that last night and Rudi was all tearful about being sent to the slammer," Norbert was quoted as saying.

"So I says: "Hey, I'm out of work and have this drinking problem and need to dry out. So, I'll serve your time for you"."

Read the full story here.

Would you do this for a sibling?
Posted by Daisy on Sunday, June 29, 2003 | link
Saturday, June 28, 2003

Bowling for Columbine

By far the best review of Bowling for Columbine comes from Stuart at hydragenic.
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 28, 2003 | link

Cancel all police leave!

Cathy mentions that there is to be a blogmeet in central London toward the end of the summer. It's being organised by aquarionics and promises to be much fun.

Some of our favourite bloggers (gert, mike, dvd, karen and vaughan for starters) will be there. Even zed is going to try and swap the beer drinkers' paradise that is Belgium for a spot of tepid ale.

I'm looking forward to plenty of bleary-eyed reports and embarrassing pictures. Go on, off you go.
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 28, 2003 | link


I've been enjoying visits to other wind recently.

Aside from the beautifully designed site, there is a journal:

I usually work with older records, from the time before ID, when people weren’t even forced to decide on a consistent surname spelling. I like reading the old names and keep a list at work of the funny or illustrious names I’ve found. I can’t remember them all at the moment, but these three have stuck in my mind:

Ananais McCoy—Ananais is a name that needs reviving, for all the strong, silent men.

Prettiman Jones—I pronounce this one “Pretty Man” and see a smooth talker, gorgeous, African-American, tipping hat and winking at ladies.

Mordecai Mendinghouse—This name needs to have its own poem, complete with a lonely, serious, bearded man, stocky in his black hat and suspenders, clopping slowly up a dirt road into town in his horse-pulled wagon. He likes his horses.

I'm catching up on the short fiction (white lilies and rain) and memoirs (try rinsing water).

Now I'm hoping that Wendy is going to tell us more about Aunt Faye...
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 28, 2003 | link

Not a lot

So English has-been Paul Daniels (former tv magician and user of naff catchphrases) thinks that everyone should speak one language. Like English.

"Fe ddylai pawb siarad un iaith, fel Saesneg, yn hytrach na cheisio cynnal ieithoedd a diwylliannau bach."

"Everyone should speak one language, like English, rather than trying to sustain minority languages and cultures."

I could insult Mr Daniels in a number of languages. But I'll settle for this.

You silly little man.
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 28, 2003 | link


nuffin' to do wiv me guv
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 28, 2003 | link
Friday, June 27, 2003

Wierd and wonderful

A bumper crop of links for you folks tonight, seeing as it's the weekend.

Dog Resembling Moses Discovered in Yorkshire

Shared values (1.1mb download)

If Hollywood decided to make a film about the Iraqi information minister, who would play the man himself ?

the can can as you've never seen it before

b3ta's international smoking day challenge

mark fiore's ez-kleen

make your own fuzzy dice!

etiquette tips

Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 27, 2003 | link

Serious research Idle curiosity...

One lump or two?

When you click on a link, would you rather open a new window or stay in the same window?
Keep me tied to the one window, dude!
Throw caution to the winds, let's open 'em all up!

View current results

Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 27, 2003 | link

Pictures of the day

I was reading words mean everything last night but forgot to link to these three great pictures.

three dogs


dad and dog
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 27, 2003 | link

And finally...

One last little doggie link. Although this is quite a download, I promise you it's worth it. Especially if you're a closet Grease fan.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 27, 2003 | link

Move over Jeeves!

Graeme over at lazy laces tells us of a great new search engine. I've done extensive testing throughout the night and can confirm that results are impressive. Not only has it supplied a cure for back pain and insomnia but it has -- you won't believe this-- come up with previously uknown biographical details on news goddess Fiona Bruce. Impressive indeed.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 27, 2003 | link

Today's spotlight is on...

Dog News - "weird, inspiring dog tales". Jam-packed full of every sort of dog tale you can imagine. Bang goes my weekend, I'll be reading Dog News.

Parking meters for dogs?

"... Although several cats were heard openly snickering about the issue, no local dogs agreed to comment on record for The Interior News."

And keep the tissues to hand for this story.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 27, 2003 | link
Thursday, June 26, 2003

From the inbox

Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 26, 2003 | link

From the inbox

and Brett has more of the story.
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 26, 2003 | link

And finally...

This could catch on.

Woman dogged by feud
A man feuding with his neighbour in China is being sued for naming his pet dog after the woman and cursing it in public.

Read more here.
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 26, 2003 | link

Site upate

The archives should now be working. I daren't try and display them as March 2003, April 2003, etc. because the last time I did that all hell broke loose. Well, I think Blogger buggered up the archives, then I fixed them (me! all on my own!) but then ruined it by the display change. So working on the theory "if it ain't broke don't fix it", they shall stay like that until I move.

I've been reading some wonderful blogs lately and not had time to link them so I've started a Daily Spotlight (look to your left) where I'll try and post a new link each day. It won't necessarily be other blogs, just writing that I've enjoyed and want to share.

I'm not terribly happy with the green highlighter but it's gone 2:30 in the morning and I think I might be able to sleep now so I'll fix it tomorrow later today.

LunaNiña has some lovely writing, poetry by other authors, and other mutterings. Enjoy.

Thanks go to meg (mandarin design) for the highlighter, and ranzino at istock for the star light photo. And Blogger gets a favourable mention - the new "Preview" mode when you're faffing about with the template gets a big thumbs up.

Now I'd really like to fix the broken table at the bottom of the left hand column. And add two more sections. I know I should go get the book and figure it out but I've been looking at the template and I'm a bit afraid to tinker with it. Ahem *cough* any offers of help would be gratefully accepted...
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 26, 2003 | link

War stories

I can't comprehend the courage it must have taken for these men to take the stand that they did.
Thanks to Andy for the link.
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 26, 2003 | link
Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Oh the indignity of it all...

It has not been a good day. Wake at 5:30 with a humdinger of a headache. As I get out of bed my back goes. Absolute bloody agony. Painkillers and a hot bath have no effect. Don't dare have another bath because M is out all day and I'm terrified that I won't be able to get out on my own.

The postman rings the doorbell around 11 with a package that needs signing for. It takes 4 minutes to get from the sofa to the hall but he waits bless him. Even with the hounds from hell snarling and baying for his blood. I stand in the porch with one hand on the inner door (to keep the dogs in) and one hand on the outer door (to talk to the postman) and stupidly shut the inner door to sign for the package. So now I'm locked out of the house and my legs are giving way. Happily, I had grabbed my jacket from the banister (to hide the t-shirt I was wearing - picture of a pear and "lovely pear" scrawled in big letters). And the house keys are in the pocket. Oh happy day!

By now I need the toilet. 7 minutes to get up the stairs. One second to realise that I cannot sit on the toilet. But I have to! Much cussing and sweating later I'm done, only to realise that there is no way on God's earth I'm going to be able to pull my knickers and trousers back up. So I don't. Crawl into the bedroom and struggle into a nightshirt. Sod it, if anyone comes to the house I won't answer the door.

I try and carry on working. Deadlines are looming. It is hellishly hot but the cold air of the fan is hurting my back so I sit and sweat. I weigh up the relative merits of desperate thirst and the pain involved in spending another 15 minutes getting up and downstairs to fetch water. Greed wins so I begin the trek. At the bottom stair my legs give out but I manage to grab the newel post and assume an awkward crouch. I cannot move from this position. Frodo decides that this would be a golden opportunity to give me some tongue. A scream from me puts him off. A little. He cocks his head to one side and decides I need help. So he shoves his body between me and the newel post and stands firm, presumably thinking I can use his back to stand up. Bless him.

An hour later finds me buried on the sofa amid a mountain of cushions, trying to sip not gulp lovely cold water and counting the minutes until I can take another painkiller. And that's where I stayed until tonight. The pain has eased a little but I'm going to take another hot bath in a while and then try to get some sleep.

The pain sucks but it will go and I'll stop whingeing. How do people live with chronic pain?
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 25, 2003 | link

What is it about blogging?

That people so often have the same idea at the same time? I was going to write something about George Orwell's essay on tea, having seen it mentioned in Cathy's comments a few days ago.

Then today Richard refers to a Guardian article on Dr Andrew Stapley's research into tea making, particularly the burning question of when to add the milk (sorry Richard, I agree with Dr Stapley).

Are there any other unusual topics getting attention at the moment?
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 25, 2003 | link

Five more minutes...

... sitting in this chair and then I'm going to crawl into bed. Hurt back. Great pain.

But do go and read Anna's Thirteen things you shouldn't do in church. I think it will make more sense to British readers at the moment.

And go admire Eddie's new site. That's all folks. Groan.
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 25, 2003 | link
Monday, June 23, 2003

The Power of Five

After too long a delay (sorry), here are the replies to Cathy's questions:

  1. Is there any ending or plot point of a film that you would change?
    The amount of times I've sat and watched a film and as the final credits roll shouted furiously at the screen. But can I think of any now? Of course not.
    There are quite a few things I'd like to change about The Archers but writing about that would be too sad. Even for me.
    So I'm going to go away and think about this question and update it later if you don't mind.

  2. What skill would you most like to possess?
    Speak Russian, play the piano, a better memory. A better memory more than anything. I was watching an interesting documentary the other night about Henry I. Then little bells started ringing and I realised that I should already know much of what was said because I did Welsh history A level (1066-1428) and yet nothing, but nothing was familiar.

  3. Gadget or electronic device you couldn't live without.
    Hairdryer Modem (with any computer/laptop attached of course). I could easily live without the iPAQ (in truth, I'm going back to using pen and paper more now) and the microwave and any other time-saving gadget on the market. I don't even mind looking as if I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards by leaving my hair to dry naturally but I would hate to live without the internet.

    But it worries me that much of life in the UK today (particularly the BBC) excludes those without internet access. And I guess it won't be long before there will be 3 levels - those with fast access, those with dial-up and those with no access at all.
    But this might be peculiar to the south east of England?

  4. What is the best make of chocolate?
    Leonidas fresh cream pralines.

  5. What superpower would you like to have?
    Again, I think it would be the ability to fly invisibly. The ability to communicate with animals dogs would be rather nice too.
    Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 23, 2003 | link

From the inbox

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realised that he would need his wife to wake him up at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00AM and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper on the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 23, 2003 | link

If procrastination were an olympic sport

I'd be a gold medallist.

When I signed up to the ecosystem a couple of weeks back it was a spur of the moment thing, spurred on by the fact that I only just made the criteria, starting date wise. Some of you kind folks did the linking but my cockup meant that only 1 vote was registered instead of 6.

Then I read that we were all eligible to enter again. Ooh, I thought, that's nice. And then promptly forgot. Forgot? I go there regularly to read other blogs, how could I forget? Well I did. And it's now Sunday night and I haven't done anything about it. And I just checked the list (there are now 2982 blogs listed!) to find that *sniff* I'm not even listed as an insignificant microbe. Even the one little vote that slipped through isn't *sob*, *hic* counted.

"Procrastinate no more!" I said - so here are links to some great blogs currently on the new blog showcase:

suburban blight
mercuryx23's fantabulous blog (although I've got a feeling that this link is going to get screwed by blogspot and/or the incorrect link on truth laid bare?)

And some links for those further up the food chain:
mandarin design
venomous kate
and of course yer treeler er mine
Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 23, 2003 | link
Sunday, June 22, 2003

Moving on

A few of the blogs I read daily are taking (hopefully) temporary breaks - meg (although the archives are still there to enjoy); jhames & vincenzo (hope it all works out, Jhames); shelagh (just for the summer I hope); trailer trash family (which is a bit of a mystery).

So this is just to say good luck to you guys, hope to see you back when you're ready.
Posted by Daisy on Sunday, June 22, 2003 | link

I love this

Seen at david's blog (where it looks better on a white background) (david's blog found via mandarin design).
Posted by Daisy on Sunday, June 22, 2003 | link
Saturday, June 21, 2003

I'd like to be studied!

Google is hiring.
To participate you must

  1. be over 18 years old
  2. have never worked for one of our competitors
  3. have been a Blogger user for at least 6 months
    Dang. But I was thinking about doing it for at least 6 months?
  4. use one of the following browsers:
    Internet Explorer 6+, Netscape 7+, or Mozilla 1.0+

  5. have recently been switched over to the new version of Blogger
    Qualified! How about 4 hours ago?
  6. live in the Bay Area, own a car, and be willing to travel to Google headquarters in Mountain View
    Well now, which Bay Area would that be? I'm guessing you don't mean this Bay Area? Oh, you mean in California. Guess that's too big a commute, eh?
    Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 21, 2003 | link

Pith about

Have to agree with rebecca blood, this is one of the most creative "About Me" pages yet.
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 21, 2003 | link


I haven't been able to post since last night. At least I thought so...

In desperation I came to (instead of problogger) and whoosh, straight in on the new system.

Could you guys not have told people?

Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 21, 2003 | link
Friday, June 20, 2003

And now for a poll!

Number 1: TV Comedy

What's your favourite English language comedy show of recent years?
Will and Grace
Marion and Geoff
Linda Green

View current results

Thanks to jodiverse for the link to
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 20, 2003 | link

Just one more...

Our father, who art in Redmond
Microsoft be thy name
Thy monopoly come, thy will be done
throughout the earth as it is in the US.
Give us this day, our daily license activation key
And forgive us our bug reports
as we forgive our system crashes
And lead us not into competition
But deliver us from innovation
For thine is the Control, and the Power and the Greed
Forever. Amen

Seen at slashdot, via scobleizer.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 20, 2003 | link

Linky binks

Aah, it's Friday afternoon. Despite needing to work most of the coming weekend, a splitting headache and guilt at not having done the ironing and cleaning all week, it is still Friday afternoon and needs celebrating with a few hand picked links for you, gentle reader.

First up is Graeme over at lazy laces, he's promising us a new meme today soon. I've no idea what it'll be but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Then via Jhames comes 100 favourite books - personal book reviews and not a pretention in site. And the bookshelf pictures are lovely, I want to reach out and pull each one from the shelves, have a good rummage. It's prompted me to update and add to my own list, hope to post it sometime. Probably when I move from the archive hell that is Blogger. There'll be no long insightful reviews, just reasons for loving certain books.

You could spend some time thinking up four word film reviews, run by Benj Clews.
See if you can guess which movies these reviewers are describing:
Bloody good period piece
Yank, scousers, kilt, guns
It's 'Starman', only shite

Given how little time I have to read at the minute, maybe I ought to settle for Pewari's suggestion at book a minute. The Jane Austen one's a cracker. But I'm also looking forward to reading more tales of Fred and Doris. Nice one Pewari!

And last but not least the obligatory doggie links - I love this and this. I guess those dogs are too busy to start taking yoga classes?

Right, it's almost 18:30, I'm off to listen to The News Quiz.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 20, 2003 | link

The Power of Five

Next up are Graeme's questions:

  1. Favourite memory?
    -- First holiday with M. We rented a huge 17th century coaching inn near Poitiers (last minute booking via Loot) and spent a blissful fortnight doing nothing but fishing (him) and swimming (me). It was too hot to eat, we lived on tomatoes, icrecream and bucket loads of water.
    -- An open air production of Fiddler on the Roof at Oystermouth Castle when I was about 10. When the Russians arrived on horseback carrying torches, half the audience seemed ready to run. Unforgettable.
    -- A holiday with best friend Nina in Paris about 12 years ago. I hurt my back just before leaving and the only way to avoid pain was to walk. And walk we did. Miles and miles each day. Helped along by frequent stops at chocolateries.
    -- In a garden in Ealing in about 1990. My brother and his wife had just driven up for a visit when Bailey (beloved niece) had just turned three. As an aeroplane flew over, she looked up and asked "Do you have to wear seatbelts in aeroplanes too?"
    How did she connect the two? She'd never seen the inside of an aircraft, seen very few aeroplanes flying over. I still marvel at that today.

  2. Favourite place?
    -- Anywhere M and the dogs are.
    -- Home and close to home.

  3. Favourite product?
    Technology: ADSL modem.
    Food: Grilled smoked haddock with salad and baked tattie (potato).
    Clothing: Black ribbed polo neck sweater from Marks and Spencer, Liz Claibourne jeans and brown boots.

  4. Favourite website?
    -- See blogroll
    -- BBC Radio 4
    -- Useful spellchecker, not for the translations.
    -- Amazon, I know that standards have been falling since last year but it's still a great place to shop.
    -- Afternoon tea guide (recently discovered so not quite a favourite yet...)

  5. Favourite Colour?
    Black for clothes.
    Duck egg blue for walls.
    Rose tinted for spectacles.
    Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 20, 2003 | link

The Power of Five

Next up are Richard's questions:

  1. How many toes do you have (including your own and any others you might have collected)?
    Is this a trick question to find out the size of my boobs? I can see my feet when I look down. Well my toes anyway. And there are ten of them. I've checked and I don't seem to have gathered anyone else's toes in jars around the house.
    And I haven't eaten any either...

  2. What's your favourite type of cheese?
    Rather than a favourite type I would name 2 specific cheeses -
    Pont l'Eveque, preferably unpasteurised (I think unpasteurised is still banned in the UK because apparently British pregnant women can't be trusted not to eat it).
    It's been described as a"soft ripening, pungent cheese, like a camembert but a stronger flavour"
    Chaumes, "Soft and creamy, rind washed cheese that develops a pungent smell and strong taste."

  3. If someone offered to make you the perfect sandwich, and you could have any filling you liked, what would you pick?
    Easy - freshly roasted chicken with a smidgeon of cranberry sauce on soft white floury bread.
    Oh and could I have a bowl of Heinz Cream of Tomato soup with that?

  4. Are there any machines or other devices, used by you on a regular basis, where you have absolutely no idea how they work?
    How long have you got? A quick glance to my right and I realise that I'm not terribly clear on how sounds are recorded to tape. But I'm going to find out.

  5. If modern civilisation were to crumble around our ears due to, say, war or plague or alien invasion, what would you miss most about it?
    I'm assuming people would survive but in a barren landscape, no electricity, water, etc.
    If that's the case, I don't think there's any one thing I would miss above all else but the prospect is a frightening one. Law and order would probably disappear and it would be survival of the fittest. Or those most prepared to do anything to survive.
    Can we move along now please?
    Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 20, 2003 | link
Thursday, June 19, 2003

From the inbox

Thoughts from a broad
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of chocolates make a woman gain 5 lbs.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like,"You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now ...I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"
Clear as a bell my body said "Listen witch ... do it and die."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realise that you had set it free...... You either married it or gave birth to it.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

Updated to make clear that these are "From the inbox", are curently doing the rounds of email boxes across the world, are not meant to offend anyone and were forwarded from someone who is beautifully slim, married to a lardarse (his description) and who last week proposed a "share-a-boob-athon" wherein we would both go under the knife in order for me to "donate" some of my curves to her. But wouldn't you just know it, we can't find a surgeon willing to do the procedure.

I would never intentionally hurt anyone, whether it be relating to appearance, religion, race - my apologies if they have offended anyone, please let me know via comments.

Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 19, 2003 | link
Wednesday, June 18, 2003

A few quick links before bed

A great t-shirt.

Bryan Bell's blog and a vast collection of "low-cost royalty free photos" (both courtesy of the ever wonderful mandarin design).

So what does royalty-free mean? Here's the low-down from i-stock:

This means that the iStockPhoto member can:
Download an digital file to one computer.
Make one (1) backup of digital files.
Move or copy the digital file to another computer.
Use iStockphoto digital files in web sites (commercial or otherwise), advertising, promotional material, presentations, broadcast television and multimedia content such as FlashÆ files, DirectorÆ and movies. File use includes commercial items such as product packaging, product brochures and any type of promotional material.
Provide an digital file to your printer or other 3rd party for the purposes of printing or production of materials.
Reproduce (copy, modify or incorporate) digital files, royalty-free, in print and digital publications, presentations and multimedia content. For more information including what you cannot do with iStockphoto digital files, please read the License Agreement.

I was going to use one of their rather nice pictures but then realised that (a) I have a couple already taken that were similar (but not as good) and that (b) my father is a great photographer and would love to take some pictures. Duh. But it's a great resource so the link stays.

How to turn a discussion on diaper disposal into an interesting article.

Future blogging headlines and The Good, The Bad, and the Blogly, both via idly (who's holding a blogwarming at the moment).

A bit of madness and some dancing babies.

A good ER related blog (the tv series) via Kirsi.

And no linking would be complete without a doggie item so here are some cartoon dogs.

Night, night.
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link

Alice clock

Everyone seems to be linking to this sweet little clock today.
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link


This one's for Roy. Under the heading "visual stimulation therapy".
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link

Food for thought

Dainty has written an excellent essay on the US government.

If you want the world to distinguish the good citizens of this country from the corrupt government leading it, then we better start behaving like good citizens and take responsibility for a regime change at home. Clinton was impeached for lying about a blowjob. Bush is getting away with lying about matters far more critical, matters that eventually took us to waging a war, the most serious action a nation can take. We killed people because of Bush's lies. I can't live with that.

Go take some time to read it.
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link

Oh and another one!

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St.Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"
St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged." The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?
St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."
This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"
"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's George Bush's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link

A quickie from the inbox

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, be terrified, and howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link

The Power of Five

First up are Karan's questions:

  1. If you could go back in time and change any one thing what would it be?
    Well an obvious first answer would be to persuade Frau Klara Hitler to have an abortion back in 1889 but that leads to all sort of questions - if the man Hitler had not existed, would someone have taken his place?

  2. If the gods that be told that all of your body was going to be replaced...that is except one part, what is the part you would keep?
    None, I'd happily replace every last cell.

  3. If you could commit a crime and get away with it, what would you do?
    Frivolous reply: remove Anne Robinson from British television. No, make that any television on the planet.

    Serious reply - global brainwashing would be a crime I guess? Then some kind of planet wide brainwashing to get people to act more kindly towards their fellow creatures.
    That sounds really naff doesn't it? But if you chose to eliminate the current crop of villians (Saddam Hussein, Bin Laden, George Bush, blah, blah, blah) a new set would take their place before the dust was settled on their coffins.

  4. What supernatural power would you bestow on your spouse/significant other?
    The ability to fly invisibly.

  5. What clever title would you give your autobiography?
    Clever? This is me we're talking about, right?
    OK, then it would be something like "Not all Welsh women Can Sing : Debunking the stereotype surrounding the celtic female"
    Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link


Let's all speak le cockney. Nuff said. A'right mate?
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link

Woman wakes from coma

No sign of Bryan Adams then?
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 18, 2003 | link
Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Another embarrassing moment from the archives

Many years ago I was seeing a guy, Etienne.
Turns out he was married but that's another other story for another day. Under the heading "How I escaped certain death at the hands of a mad Flemish wife" or "How speaking Flemish saved my life".
We were at a restaurant one night when a woman started approaching each table to sell single roses to the men (a common occurrence in Belgium).
As he reached into his pocket I said, "No don't, they're awfully expensive."
He looked up, perplexed.
"I'm getting my lighter."
How to sum up a relationship in one simple sentence.
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 | link

There are

many advantages to having a heated airing cupboard. But on a hot summer night I can't think of a single one. Bleugh.
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 | link

Flaming June

I was looking for a link to Phil Whitaker's book Eclipse of the Sun (to recommend to Cathy) when I came across
this article and had to share it.

And besides, it puts off the evil hour when I have to answer your evil questions. Sheesh. Whose bloody idea was this anyway?
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 | link

Happy Birthday, M.C. Escher

Google are marking the occasion. I had that picture on my bedroom wall for many years when growing up. I even thought about using it as a logo here but was too lazy to work out the copyright issues.
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 | link

The power of five

Cathy over at bent back tulips has started up an excellent meme and since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, here goes.
You ask five questions and I have to answer them as honestly as possible.
So, over to you my friends - ask away!
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 17, 2003 | link
Monday, June 16, 2003

From the inbox

There's a guy who has a dog that doesn't obey him. Then he sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer. So, he decides to go to the dog trainer and get his dog trained.

The guy walks in the room and asks,
"Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?"
The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I will give you a demonstration of how good I am."

He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle. The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones.
"Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?"
"That's a nurse's dog" said the trainer.

Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building. The man says
"Wow! What kind of dog is that?"
"That's an architect's dog" replies the trainer.

Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away.
"Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man.
"That's a lawyer's dog."
Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 16, 2003 | link
Saturday, June 14, 2003

Tales round the supper table

You know how it is, when the children fly the nest, each visit home is an opportunity for parents to inflict shame and bum squirming embarrassment on the returners by retelling for the nth time all those embarrassing little stories from when you were kids?

Here's one of ours.

One year we discovered that our Christmas presents had been hidden under my parents' bed. Please. Of course we're going to look. It became a bit of habit actually. Home from school, throw coats and bags on floor, race each other upstairs to see what if there was anything new.

Then one night my mother came home from work and, as usual, dashed upstairs to quickly change before preparing supper. She came back downstairs ashen-faced and very, very angry. How could we? Did we not want surprises on Christmas morning? Of course we denied it. But the evidence was just too damning. Someone (and I'm not naming any names here "Tornado") had left a jam sandwich under the bed.

Oh the shame...
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 14, 2003 | link

Any CSS bods out there?

DD is looking for a little bit of help with her blog.
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 14, 2003 | link

More links

A worrying credit card prank from zug (have a look at the rest of the site too)

KISS living and getting more from google (both via rebecca blood)

Very clever but a bit icky and how to be a Londoner (both via venomous kate)

Baby-sitting instructions to mother-in-law (via mister crunchy)

What would happen if all the major brands started making their own condoms and kept the same slogan? (via lazy laces)
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 14, 2003 | link


This is a test popup note.
Thanks to bewildered emu for that (another good blog name!)
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 14, 2003 | link

Just links

A little of what I've been reading or bookmarking to read over the past couple of days:

Zoe said that Audi Olympics was screamingly funny. She was right.
Is this for real? While there you can test your typing speed
And there had to be a doggie one in there somewhere...
Oh and a site devoted to moveable type plugins
And a wonderful introduction to blogging with moveable type by tokyo shoes (isn't that a great name?)

And now to bed - the rugby starts at 07:30...
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 14, 2003 | link
Friday, June 13, 2003


I'm sure you're all regular readers of my boyfriend is a twat but just in case, do go and have a good laugh at the latest adventures of the Twat and Quickos. Best way is to start with the June archives and work forwards. Brilliant. But put aside any hot drinks first. A&E departments are always full at weekends.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 13, 2003 | link

Word sickness

You know how when you see or write a word so many times that it loses its meaning? Well today's word is battery. Or batterij in Dutch to be precise. The client has "suddenly discovered" that the product described in this 160 page manual needs only one battery, not two.
So all references to "batteries" needs to be changed to "battery". In all eight languages.
But before I go to bed I need to know if there's an official word for this problem, of looking at a word for so long that it loses all meaning. Any thoughts?
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 13, 2003 | link
Thursday, June 12, 2003

And the last one

Alternative U.S. State Mottoes
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's
Don't Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: We really know how to mess up an election
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To
Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our taxes are less Than Sweden's (For
Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, And Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men...and the sheep are scared
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 12, 2003 | link

And another

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea.

When she went down the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for" he said. "I'm off to America in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later during a routine search the captain discovered her.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's taking me to America and he's feeding me."

"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.
"He's shafting me" said the girl.
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Mersey ferry luv!"
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 12, 2003 | link

From the inbox

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The **** word was 'celebrate'.'

Dominus vobiscum.
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 12, 2003 | link
Tuesday, June 10, 2003

A new word for your dictionaries...

Cin has come up with a lovely new word:

Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 10, 2003 | link

From the inbox

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Make me.

Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

German Shepherd
I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Irish Setter
I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Yo quiero Taco Bulb

Irish Wolfhound
Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.

I see it, there it is. There it is, right there..

It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd
First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Old English Sheep Dog
Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

Hound Dog

Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

Moral of the tail tale? Dogs have masters, cats have staff.
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 10, 2003 | link

Frodo update

We saw the vet last night. He was very sympathetic, agreed that it has a lot to do with Frodo's age (at 17 months he's the equivalent of a spotty teenager). And surprisingly, he also said that it was "very unwise" to try and pull a dog out from somewhere (under the table in this case).
He recommended a session at the (hideously expensive) Company of Animals centre. If the name Roger Mugford rings a bell, he's the chap who spoke as the expert witness for Princess Anne...
Will I have to curtsey if we meet him?
So M has rung the resuce, Frodo is to stay with us for the time being. We've bought a muzzle and will start to get him used to wearing it. And now we go back to basic training.
Thank you for the comments and emails, all very much appreciated.
Normal service, i.e. brainless chitter chatter and linking will now be restored.
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 10, 2003 | link

From the inbox

Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.
One day he was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer.
He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So he began to walk faster to catch up.
As he got closer, he saw that it was a young woman and the young woman wasn't dancing, but instead she was reaching down to the shore, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.
As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?"
The young woman paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean."
"I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"
"The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don't throw them in they'll die."
"But, young woman, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it? You can't possibly make a difference!"
The young woman listened politely. Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said- "It made a difference for that one."
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 10, 2003 | link
Monday, June 09, 2003


Spoke with a pet counsellor last night, she thinks that it's normal for a 17 month old dog to start "trying it on" and that we should buy a muzzle if we're worried about him outside the house or with children. I don't know.

Received a reminder card from the vet's surgery this morning that his annual vaccinations are due (which includes a general checkup) so we're taking him in this afternoon. He has a flare-up of the ear infection that we've been treating with drops. Could it be that he's feeling out of sorts and that caused the reaction? He's been very withdrawn and unwilling to come for cuddles since Saturday night. Although we've tried to treat him as normal, he's such an intelligent dog that he's bound to have picked up on the discussions and the tensions.

I've tried to keep the crying from him but last night we were talking in circles, "if this" and "if that", trying not to come back to the same conclusion. And Frodo came and licked the tears from my face. I can't do this. Every part of me is saying fight to keep him. But if we keep him and he bites again? That is even more difficult to contemplate than letting him go.

I'm hoping for relatively unbiased advice from the vet this afternoon.
Posted by Daisy on Monday, June 09, 2003 | link
Sunday, June 08, 2003

Can't think of a title

There's some lovely writing by Ailina over at paper bent and a funny list of ways to tell if you're from South Louisiana (found via Cin).

Keeping a low profile for a few days while we decide whether to return Frodo to the rescue. Poor, lovely, frightened Frodo. When he came to us a year ago at six months old, all that we knew of his history was that he had been with a family who "didn't know he was a German Shepherd" and whose children delighted in tormenting him. He is terrified of and aggressive to all children. When we're with the granddaughters (one aged 3, one 9 months), it's always been a question of keeping a very careful eye on him and away from the children, except under close supervision. He is a thousand times better now than he was a year ago but over the past month he has been getting more and more aggressive. And last night he went for me. The skin wasn't broken, just bruised.
M has rung the rescue to request that we take him back. I'm torn between trying to persuade M to give him another chance and facing up to the fact that we can't trust him any more. I can't bear to agree to him going but I can't bear to think of him attacking the children.
Posted by Daisy on Sunday, June 08, 2003 | link

Big Brother Jon

Sigh. Now I'll have to go and watch Big Brother.
Anyone who can generate this sort of fan club must be worth a watch.
Besides, he he has a plant called cyril and sent a time delayed email to all his friends justifying his decision. (Caution - it feels a little voyeuristic to read a private email.)

(Brought to you via Internet magazine.)
Posted by Daisy on Sunday, June 08, 2003 | link
Saturday, June 07, 2003

Holiday reading

Cathy over at bent back tulips is looking for votes on the books she should take on holiday.
Posted by Daisy on Saturday, June 07, 2003 | link
Friday, June 06, 2003

Words without pictures

While I was in Wales last weekend for the Stereophonics gig, we managed a whistlestop visit to my parents' house. They don't have broadband* and it was a bit of a shock to see the loading speed of certain pages, including this one. From now on I'm going to try and cut back on the pictures. Unless they just have to be shared.

So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to paint a picture of your immediate surroundings. To start the ball rolling, here's mine.

The office is upstairs in the front bedroom. The floorboards are bare but mostly covered with two large rugs. One from Ikea, one from Laura Ashley (sale, 70% discount. Chewed by dogs before it even made it upstairs. But I digress.)
The colour scheme is "raspberry and vanilla" - yelllow walls, raspberry-ish throw and cushions on the sofa. I love the sofa. All different textures. Chenille throw, silk and wool cushions.
The computer stuff is boring. It works. Nuff said. You want details? Dell box with 19" monitor (unplugged in favour of Samsung flat screen). On the to do list is buy video card and run two monitors.
The bookshelves are groaning under the weight of too many books. Must prune again and sell via Amazon.
Your bloggeuse is sitting in a very comfortable chair, bought at a computer fair last year. She is wearing pale blue pyjama bottoms and a navy t-shirt. The front of the t-shirt says "You've been a naughty boy". On the back of the t-shirt, "Go straight to my room".
On her right hand side, fast asleep on a pillow, is a small black dog. At her feet, barely able but determined to fit under the desk is Frodo. Black and tan German Shepherd. Aged 17 months.

Now it's your turn.

* By choice. It's available, Mr Greenspun, they just choose to spend their money on other things.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 06, 2003 | link

What Fridays are for

In case you haven't visited troubled diva for a couple of days, go look see. Genius. And very gentlemanly.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 06, 2003 | link


First go read this from Jhames. Then check out the ebay page. And let me know what you think.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 06, 2003 | link

Profanity alert

I've been bloody bitten on the bloody sole of my bloody foot. Bloody mozzies. Have to go soak foot in water. Might be some time.
Posted by Daisy on Friday, June 06, 2003 | link
Thursday, June 05, 2003

Bitchen inspiration

I know there's not really enough room on the blogroll but if you all squeeze up a little, yep, just a little to the left there, thank you.
Go have a look and a read of bitchen. If you're a blogspotter, stand back and be amazed at what he's done.
Methinks me is going to stay a little while and see if I can tame the beast that is blogspot. Sheer inspiration.
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 05, 2003 | link

From the inbox, part 2

Subject: State Department travel advisory for France

The following advice for American travellers going to France was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the CIA, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers only.
General Overview
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with not very good shopping.

France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and Eurodisney. Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist on speaking in French, though many will speak English if shouted at. Watch your money at all times.
The People
France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke (the other 4 million are small children). All French people drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists. Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each other when they meet. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier recognition.
In general, France is a safe destination, although travellers must be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally, the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.
France historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French love administration so for government purposes the country is divided into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes, villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower, though confusingly they are both on the ground floor, and whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should be trusted by the traveller. Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the south Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries complain. According to the most current American state department intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques.

Further information is not available at this time.
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word. In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers.
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public Holidays
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napolean sent into Exile Days, 17 Napolean Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish" Days.
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it was not inhabited by French people.The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.

(Thanks to Marie-Thérèse, a Belgian)
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 05, 2003 | link

From the inbox, part 1

How to impress a woman
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:
Show up naked...
Bring food...
Don't block the TV.

(Thanks to Jane.)
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 05, 2003 | link

Whinge over...

Time for a bit of culture.
Warning: Not work safe, especially with speakers!
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 05, 2003 | link

Knowing that...

I have a great desire but little time to tinker with css etc., would you recommend that I go with moveable type or wait for TypePad? Or any other suggestions?
Could I get away with spending a whole weekend setting it up and then a few weekend hours each week to tweak? Or is it more involved?
Blogger is a fantastic tool and I was more than happy to take the easy option when I read the reviews of the various tools.
But most of us on Blogger have had no archives for days now I'm getting a bit sick of not being in control.
If I cock things up (me? ha!), then fine.
Your esteemed advice would be appreciated.
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 05, 2003 | link

A love story

Take some time out to read this.
Many thanks to mandarin design for the link.
Posted by Daisy on Thursday, June 05, 2003 | link
Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Most embarrassing moment, Part 1

Caution: this is probably going to be a long rambling tale so you might want to go pack a few provisions before we start.

Ready? Okay.

On leaving college I was determined to work in France but needed to earn a bit of cash before going. I did a few months at the local hospital, then decided that it would be a good idea to get some experience in London first and then France. Yeah right.

Anway, I managed to get an interview with the Foreign office. Hideous. So knowing that I had more chance of becoming the next pope than getting a job at the FO, I wandered into an employment agency in the next street to see what sort of jobs were on offer. The girl I spoke to was quite sweet but she was quite brisk and formal, I was still recovering from the FO ordeal and made a complete hash of it. Couldn't even remember the word "tube" to describe the underground system. "... so I came from Paddington by the um... the er- train that goes under the ground". Oh God.
I can't read upside down but I swear she scrawled "hicksville, don't send to any interviews" all over the application form and binned it as soon as she'd gotten rid of me.

It must have been a quiet day at the second agency because they were very keen to send me out on interviews. The next day. Remember I'm only supposed to be here for the day, I have a return train ticket to Wales, the clothes I'm wearing, a handbag & briefcase and very little money. With a bit of arm twisting I agreed to stay overnight. She gave me the phone number of a hotel, I schlepped all the way across London to find that it cost £50 a night. The agency has closed for the day, I have just over £20, no credit cards (just out of college and they weren't as common then, at least not in the backwaters of Wales) and the only person I knew of in London was the HM The Queen. Well I have a posh English cousin living in Eaton Square but that's another story. Luckily the hotel receptionist took pity on me and rang the ywca, booked a room and gave me a map and directions.

So I found the ywca and realised that I'd have to do something about my hair for the interview the next day. Went to an all night chemist and bought a cheap packet of mixed pink and blue hair curlers. Hang my suit up carefully outside the locker door (the inside smelt of vomit) and darted into bed in my bra and knickers. I awoke to feel someone shaking my shoulder violently and the sound of giggling. I came fully awake to find that the dorm had filled up with over 20 drunk australian backpackers asking me to stop snoring.

My greatest fear is that one day I'm going to come across one of those priceless pictures with the caption-- well you decide what the caption should be. I'm far too embarrassed.

So do you dare confess your most embarrassing moments? Go on, you know you want to...
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 | link

Jimmy the Wasp

It seems that no-one's blogspot archives are working but do go and read today's missive from call centre confidential. Bzzz, bzzz.
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 | link

I lied.

Proverbs for the new millennium

  • Home is where you hang your @.

  • The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

  • You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

  • Great groups from little icons grow.

  • In some places, C: is the root of all directories.

  • Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

  • Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

  • The modem is the message.

  • Too many clicks spoil the browse.

  • The geek shall inherit the earth.

  • Don't byte off more than you can view.

  • What boots up must come down.

  • Windows will never cease.

  • There's no place like your home page.

Can you come up with some more?
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 | link

Last one from the inbox for today. Honest.

The following are actual answers given by contestants on the UK gameshow Family Fortunes.

Q. Name something a blind person might use
A. A sword

Q. Name a song with moon in the title
A. Blue Suede Moon

Q. Name a bird with a long neck
A. Naomi Campbell

Q. Name an occupation where you need a torch
A. A burglar

Q. Name a famous brother and sister
A. Bonnie & Clyde

Q. Name a dangerous race
A. The Arabs

Q. Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A. A horse

Q. Name something that floats in the bath
A. Water

Q. Name something you wear on the beach
A. A deckchair

Q. Name something Red
A. My cardigan

Q. Name a famous royal
A. Mail

Q. Name a number you have to memorise
A. 7

Q. Name something in the garden that's green
A. Shed

Q. Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A. A bicycle with wings

Q. Name something you might be allergic to
A. Skiing

Q. Name a famous bridge
A. The bridge over troubled waters

Q. Name something a cat does
A. Goes to the toilet

Q. Name something you do in the bathroom
A. Decorate

Q. Name an animal you might see at the zoo
A. A dog

Q. Name something associated with the police
A. Pigs

Q. Name a sign of the zodiac
A. April

Q. Name something slippery
A. A conman

Q. Name a kind of ache
A. Fillet 'O' Fish (?)

Q. Name a food that can be brown or white
A. Potato

Q. Name a jacket potato topping
A. Jam

Q. Name a famous Scotsman
A. Jock

Q. Name something with a hole in it
A. Window

Q. Name a non-living object with legs
A. Plant

Q. Name a domestic animal
A. Leopard

Q. Name a part of the body beginning with 'N'
A. Knee

Q. Name a way of cooking fish
A. Cod

Q. Name something you open other than a door
A. Your bowels

If you're really bored, there are more here.
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 | link

But wait, there's more!

Allegedly genuine answers provided by US 6th graders during a history test.

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. King Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the Java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 | link

From the inbox

No content and no archives are dead so here's a joke in very poor taste.

Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.
So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer were sent for.
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,
"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?", said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes'..."

Posted by Daisy on Wednesday, June 04, 2003 | link
Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Thanks, apologies and congratulations

Thank you to everyone who linked for the truth laid bare showcase:
Manly, Morgaine, Sue, Cin, Kate, Karan, Graeme and Richard (twice now bless him!)

Apologies because I didn't read the instructions and it seems that only links visible on front pages on Sunday night/Monday morning were counted, US time presumably (so I ended up with 1 vote instead of the 6 you kindly provided)

and Congratulations to the smallest minority, mudville gazette and Kate at electric venom for having great blogs.

And finally, do go and check out the other new blogs at the showcase.
Posted by Daisy on Tuesday, June 03, 2003 | link